Characters:
He - aka He Who Must Not Be Named
Me - aka me... sino pa ba?

dialogue exchanged through SMS...

He: Happy Birthday! (Sent: 13:22:03 18-Oct-2006)

Me: Huh? Ur way too advance. But thanks anyway... (Sent: 13:24:52 18-Oct-2006)

He: -Name-. It seems that you never save my number. Am I too slow to get it that you're not interested to kiss and make-up? I totally understand. I'll be patient. Good day. (Sent: 13:47:35 18-Oct-2006)

Me: I know who this is. And my baffled response was due to the fact that my birthday is not today. And I dont owe you an explanation for any of my retorts towards you. And believe me I will be the first person to give out a sigh of relief once this meeting is done, once and for all. I am free tomorrow late afternoon. Lets get this done and over with. Just text me where and at exactly what time. (Sent: 13:58:04 18-Oct-2006)

He: I never expect it to be easy. Never expected any explanation either. I'm not in the position to be difficult i guess you have that privilege. I would understand any act of rejection. After all its me who's asking a favor. I'll spare you the agony. For some people it takes more than 4 years to forgive. Just take care of yourself. Thank you my dear friend. (Sent: 14:15:46 18-Oct-2006)

Me: My point exactly. I'm not trying to be difficult. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, i wasn't making up an excuse and I am indeed really busy to meet up with you?!? I want to meet up with you although it is apparent that our reasons of meeting up are worlds apart. I want closure from you. You want to rekindle the friendship. Let's not. Ain't life easier without having each other on the way? I am not punishing you. I just dont care enough anymore. (Sent: 14:36:29 18-Oct-2006)

He: So that's it, huh? I appreciate your honesty. Take care always. (Sent: 19:21:54 18-Oct-2006)

Me: (No text was sent back)

-END-

(Dialogue is based on true message exchanges) --> a slice of my life dated 10/18/06

blogged last August 02, 2006

To him who wishes to talk to me and say thank you,

As I said when we first saw each other yesterday after 6 years, we dont have to do this anymore but you insisted... you got my number, damn you! You dont know what that means to me... you just ripped open that sutured wound which i thought time have healed... alas... underneath the prettiness of that unnoticeable scar, you have rehashed the bleeding, the pain, the stench of rot...

You want me to be honest? I hate myself more than I hate you. I hate myself for loving you more than I loved myself... i hate myself for readily giving everything that i was, i am and i will be for you... i hate myself for letting you make me feel stupid a lot of times when i was being feared and known for notoriety/borderline bitchiness in school... students and professors alike are awed with my perceived audacity and bluntness towards people not close to me yet they dont know that i crumble with the thought of you getting pissed at me... These... these are the thoughts that consumed, no, numb me for two years after that day, which happens to fall the day between our birthdays, when i decided that for my own good, with the last ounce of strength and self-respect i had, need to sever ties with you...

Its been six years... and i have forgiven you... what actually surprised me is that after 6 years, i have not forgiven myself... and it took me a millisecond to realize that... when you said "Oh my God, then my name"... walls just came crashing down...

I am a better person now and yes I thank you cause I learned how to be a better person because of the things that happened to us... I learned that loving means being able to give and not expect ANYTHING back in return, in its rawest, meanest, most vicious way it can manifest itself... for the past three years i have slowly put back myself in order... i have lost my jadedness and can now see life with joy and brightness... and suddenly you're there... rushing out of the pantry and smiling...

I want closure and if it means that i need to go back and dig up old wounds then so be it... but please dont ask for a relationship, not even friendship... its too soon... I once told myself that I want to be able to look at you and not feel dismayed... only now that i realized that it wasnt you im afraid of seeing but in discovering that when i see you... i will topple back... that by my pushing it back and not dealing with it head on just made it a lot worse... and my fear was confirmed.

its still really vague... and i honestly dont know what to do... these are the thoughts swirling in my head and i just need to put it out... i still want to bless you when we talk... i want to honor you because in a big way you have helped shaped who i am today... but friendship is just way too big to ask at this point in time... i promise that when we talk, i will veer away from pointing fingers and focus on expressing what really transpired... i will be honest... it will be messy, bloody even, but it will be the truth... that much i owe... TO MYSELF...

Current Mood: drained